Caught in a Crossfire
by Rebekah Kolber

Former IDF soldier had settled into the gay lifestyle, until a friend shared about Yeshua and challenged him to learn more

 
 

Written by Avrohom ben Mordechai
I went to yeshiva with you. I davened next to you. You were my chavrusa (classmate). I danced at your chassenah (wedding). You wondered when you would dance at mine. I never dared to utter to you, my dear friends, my parents, my Rebbeim (Rabbis), my community, that I had a secret life. My life of shame began at an early age. Why had Hashem (G-D) punished me by having attractions to other men? Being in an all-boy yeshiva just made the matter worse. I found myself having homosexual thoughts. I spent more and more hours praying to Hakodosh Boruch Hu (the Creator) that He would help me change to the person that I wished to be. I didn't care whether it was right or wrong for other people, it was not right for me, and the life I wished for. Thoughts of homosexuality were one level, but after so many years of struggling with frustrations, I began to act on these thoughts. The aveirot (sins) were disgusting to me, yet I had no way of stopping them. My yetzir hora (obsessive impulse) was out of control and eventually it became like an addiction to a drug that I felt I was powerless to stop. Discussing the problem with the people I loved was not an option for me because I feared that if I revealed my secret life, my friends and family would grow to hate me, even as I hated myself. I was so ashamed yet I lived a secret double life like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I don't think you ever knew. I do not remember the day that Hashem performed a modest miracle on my behalf, boruch Hashem (blessed is His name). It was the day I found a therapist who would work with me to help me on the long and arduous process of changing my sexuality to one that I was more comfortable with. It took many years of self-examination and introspection for something to shift within me, to repair the profound emotional wounds that drove my actions and desires. It makes me laugh (yet cry) when I read that the media thinks it is impossible to heal a broken sexuality. It was not easy by any means, but to me it was the biggest endeavor of my life. I did not think that change was possible, but through perseverance and emunah (personal faith), I was ultimately startled to find out that it was possible to change. Even through my unworthiness, Hashem blessed me with gradual healing and then introduced me to my basherta (soul mate). Then came the day when you danced at my chassenah and you didn't even know that I had been through hell and back while right in front of your eyes. I wonder how many other Jews suffer in this toxic silence of shame? It is with this in mind that I address the recent heated debate on "homosexuality and Halacha (Jewish law).” It is a good thing to discuss this which has been so taboo. I believe that it is the beginning of healing this serious and dangerous epidemic that afflicts more yeshiva students (as well as other members of the Jewish community) than anyone has dared to imagine! Rather than debate the minutia of Halacha, which is rather clear-cut, I encourage our Rabbeim to remember two things: First, this kind of change is possible, and please have rachmones (empathy) on the afflicted. Second, there are B'nei Yisroel (Jewish people) out there who do not revel in their "queerness," but rather are suffering alone and want help to do t'shuva (repentance and return). Avrohom ben Mordechai This article was found on the internet, it is a very good article dealing with the core issues of homosexuality.     Men , you can change, and G-D is with you to give you all the strength you need to overcome homosexuality!  Do not despair!   You can laugh again.  Do not take yourself so seriously, and let G-D work in you for complete healing and forgiveness of the past; with hope and optimisim for the future.  He made you, He can fix you.   This article shows how a group of men coming together as friends turned what Satan had meant for their destruction into a springboard for them to find true healing , purpose, and fulfillment in their lives.  This came through surrender to the L-RD. We began discovering our true needs and desires underlying our homosexual thoughts and desires and found ways to meet them in healing and constructive ways. We stopped focusing on resisting or controlling unwanted or self-destructive behaviors and thought patterns, and instead focused on replacing and preempting unwanted desires by fulfilling rather than suppressing core needs. We began to envision a greater good or higher purpose for our lives, and began to put our energies into running toward the good rather than running from the bad We began to experience real change once we stopped trying to control our sexual desires and instead began to fulfill the core desires that lay underneath them -- for instance, the need every little boy feels to be affirmed, mentored and loved by fathers and brothers, men and boys. We learned that true change comes from fulfilling true needs, not just from resisting unwanted urges. We found that, for us, lust for another man often had its roots in envy of traits that we felt lacking in ourselves. We also found that it was often a "sideways expression" of a legitimate need to connect platonically with other men. Since we were unwilling or unable to meet that need in authentic, direct ways, the unmet need would intensify, much as hunger and thirst intensify the longer they are ignored. It would then express itself "sideways," through a false emotion -- lust -- that feels more urgent and intense, making it far more difficult to ignore. Think of the young child who doesn't get what he wants when he says "please," so he resorts to a tantrum. A man's "inner child" may respond the same way. Imagine a man's inner child quietly begging, "Please, I need buddies! I need healthy non-sexual touch with another guy! I need my father's love! I need time to just play, especially with friends, instead of working so hard! Will you take care of me?" And the adult self responds, "Don't be so childish. I'm a grown man. I can't ask other men for those things. Besides, no one wants to be my friend. So just keep quiet and go away." So what does the man's inner child do? He has a tantrum. He aligns with lust to get his own way. He insists, "I WILL connect with males and with my masculinity one way or another, whether you like it or not." Lust kicks in, and so the man gives in to the inner child's tantrum. The tyrant child gets his way because the adult self refuses to nurture him. So it was with us. We eventually learned we had to take a completely different approach. Instead of trying to stop or resist unwanted behaviors and feelings, we had to preempt and replace them with something nurturing and satisfying. We had to start paying attention to the legitimate needs of the inner child. For us, some of the most common authentic needs underlying homosexual desires were needs: 1. for male affirmation, attention and acceptance 2. for male association; for a male community or "tribe" 3. to feel like "one of the guys" 4. for healthy, platonic touch   5. for physical exertion and connection to the body 6. to play, especially in the company of other men 7. to connect authentically to feeling, and especially for a safe place to feel and express anger and grief 8. to connect authentically with others, especially men; being "real" with them; being fully seen and heard 9. to connect to G-D 10. to find a higher purpose in life beyond serving only our own self and our own needs. At first, we often resisted facing our fears and letting down our defenses. Our defensive detachment and other defense mechanisms existed, after all, to protect us from getting hurt. But they were no longer serving us. The walls we had built around us to keep us safe had become a prison rather than a protection. So we began to let down the defensive walls and to experiment with taking the actions of authentic need fulfillment.  . A life of self-denial -- of failed attempts at willpower and self-control -- began to transform into a life of self actualization.  Nazi concentration camp survivor Victor Frankl, who wrote in his moving book, Man's Search for Meaning, that those who survived the camps frequently relied on a vision of a greater meaning in life or higher purpose for their suffering. To quote from Frankl, who in the midst of unimaginable horrors, had a vision of his future: "'Suddenly I saw myself standing on the platform of a well-lit, warm and pleasant lecture room. In front of me sat an attentive audience on comfortable upholstered seats. I was giving a lecture on the psychology of the concentration camp! All that oppressed me at that moment became objective, seen and described from the remote view of science. By this method I succeeded somehow in rising above the situation.'" "Incredibly, this kind of clarity of purpose provided Frankl and other prisoners with the fuel to live on"  "We can find the power to change when we find a purpose outside ourselves…(and) displace bad in our lives with good . To find something to which we can devote ourselves wholeheartedly is to discover meaning that transcends our own existence - something outside ourselves . "It is possible to stay motivated, to keep our hearts engaged in our attempts to change. But to do so, we must have an alternative that is meaningful to us - and meaningful not only in an intellectual sense but in a deeply emotional one as well. Let your vision of that positive alternative be clearer than the temptation of your old life; then you will be well on the path to change. You can do anything when your heart is in it!  What We Did to Effect Change Here, then, are various changes that many of us made: 1. We began discovering our true needs underlying our homosexual thoughts and desires. When we had homosexual thoughts or felt homosexual desires, we retraced our thoughts and emotions back to discover what had triggered them. Often, we found, they were feelings like feeling weak with other men (the revealed needs were to feel strong and to feel equal to other men) or feeling abandoned or threatened (the revealed need was to feel loved and accepted by men). These feelings often went back to a time early in life when we did not feel sufficient love, acceptance or affirmation from father, father figures, or other males in our lives. We began paying attention to our individual patterns of lust or other homosexual longing. Were there particular days of the week, times of the day, or situations that we were predictably triggered? We searched for the good desire at the core of even our most unwanted desires. Sometimes this is called the "gold inside the shadow." We found the core desire was often the desire to love and be loved, to feel accepted unconditionally, and to be protected and safe. The problem, we found, often was not the core desires themselves, but the inauthentic, "sideways" expression of them -- or the shadow approaches to meeting the core needs. We diluted some of the power of the unwanted sexual desires by bringing them out of secrecy and shame. We discussed the core needs we were discovering with willing mentors or others in our support network, who could sometimes see patterns or situations that were too close for us to see ourselves. 2. Based on our increased self-awareness of our true, core needs, we conducted a personal "needs inventory" and identified specific, fulfilling alternative ways we could consistently and proactively meet those authentic needs in constructive, healing ways. Our methods varied from man to man, but they often included developing our friendships and mentoring relationships, meaningful emotional connection with men, joining small-group or one-to-one activities with other men, developing our skills in a sport, exerting ourselves physically, especially in the company of supportive male friends, etc. We found that the actions we were now taking to develop our connection to masculinity and to other men were often the same actions that met our core needs. We also found that praying for strength to resist unwanted desires, or praying for them to just be removed, was usually not particularly effective. We found it was far more effective to pray for enlightenment to understand our true needs, and the courage and ability to break down our old barriers to meeting those needs. 3. We stopped putting our energies toward resisting unwanted or self-destructive behaviors and thought patterns, and instead began to put our energies toward replacing and preempting unwanted desires by meeting rather than suppressing core needs. No longer demonizing our unwanted desires, we came to recognized and respect our legitimate needs for physical and emotional bonding with other men and began to work proactively to fulfill these underlying needs rather than resist them. We developed a deliberate, proactive program to ensure this hunger for male connection was "fed" regularly with healthy "food," instead of suppressing it until we were so starved for male affection and affirmation that we would do anything to feed it. We had to schedule these healing activities into our day-to-day and week-to-week lives. Most of us found we could not wait for homosexual urges to arise and then count on our ability to meet the underlying need in a non-sexual way at that late moment; by then the "sideways expression" of our core need often was already overwhelming. A program of deliberate preemption was far more effective than resistance. 4. If we suffered from "touch deprivation," we learned to meet our need for platonic physical connection with men through physical activities, therapeutic massage, or by asking for and receiving non-sexual hugging, holding or other appropriate touch from heterosexual male friends, mentors and family members 5. We began to envision a greater good or higher purpose for our lives. We began to put our energies into running toward the good rather than running from the bad. We pondered the questions, "When we are no longer putting our energies into overcoming homosexual desires, what will we do with our energies instead? What were we working toward that was more powerful and more motivating than what we were working against? What do we want even more than we want to be freed from homosexual feelings? What goal or what good are we pursuing beyond that?" We shifted our entire focus away from what we didn't want to be and toward becoming the men we did want to be, with the future in which we could do have the most powerful force for good in the world. 6. We developed and even rehearsed a specific "crisis intervention plan" for times when sexual desire or other longing would seem overwhelming. We identified men in our support network we could call for support at times of crisis (or better yet, at times when we anticipated a possible pending crisis) and even practiced calling them when we were not in crisis. We identified specific activities we could do, "safe" people we could spend time with and talk to, or other steps we could take that would feed our souls in healing, constructive ways at times when we experienced particularly intense need. 7. For a time (as long as it took), we made fulfillment of authentic core needs, and healing from unwanted sexual attractions generally, the absolute top priority in our lives. We stopped trying to squeeze healing and fulfillment into an already busy, over-obligated life, doing the minimum to effect change. We stopped placing any other priorities -- keeping our secrets, maintaining our defenses, remaining unwilling to take new risks, protecting old beliefs that no longer served us -- above healing and recovery. 8. As we established a pattern of consistently meeting our authentic, core needs and desires in healing, constructive ways, we began to find space in our hearts to care more for the needs and desires of others -- including current or prospective female partners. And that, we discovered, was an imperative component of the ability to love a woman romantically.

 

The following from an unknown internet author.

Get out of your box.....and live!

Denying or Suppressing It
Pretending there was nothing amiss in our lives was like ignoring a growing tumor. Refusing to deal with our homosexual problems ensured that they would continue to thrive and multiply. We could resist for a time. We could look the other way. But that only gave our problems time to fester and grow worse. We could abstain from homosexual behavior, but that didn't resolve the feeling. Avoiding the problem could never fix the problem.

Using Willpower
We certainly never consciously chose to be sexually attracted to men. Neither could we simple choose to change and be attracted to women instead. At best, willpower could only help us resist the urge to indulge whatever sexual desire we felt in the moment. It could not bring long-term healing.

Rather than work on our will, or our mental control, we found it much more effective to work on our heart, or our emotional and spiritual desire.

Trying to Pray It Away
Almost all of us at one time hoped and prayed that God would suddenly change us, that if only we had enough faith, we would wake up one day and find our homosexual desires miraculously gone. Yes, those are those who testify of such miraculous, sudden recovery, but it certainly doesn't seem to be the norm -- and certainly not without a lot of hard, personal and spiritual work leading up to that "overnight" recovery.

In fact, many of us came to see that we had been praying the wrong prayer for many years! Rather than asking God to change us, we needed him to show us the steps he wanted us to take toward change -- and then trust him enough to take the very steps we feared most. We needed to be humble enough to learn the lessons that the struggle was designed to teach us -- and then move on.

As Ben writes:

"Like so many others, I once begged God to change me with a single touch, the way he healed the blind man. I prayed and read scriptures hoping that would change me, but all the while I remained locked in isolation and shame. Ultimately, I learned that trying to heal my emotional wounds through spirituality alone was like putting a cast on my arm when I had the flu. I was treating the wrong problem. I was emotionally broken and weak, but in many ways spiritually strong. Trying to strengthen myself spiritually, alone in my room in prayer, wasn't going to heal the isolation I felt in the world of men. I started to change when I saw the Lord as a guide who would lead me through a healing journey if I did it his way, not mine."

For most of us, praying and building a renewed spiritual life would become the fuel that powered our journey out of homosexuality and the map that guided our way -- it was seldom our journey in itself.

Indulging It
At one time, many of us were convinced that indulging our desires for homosexual expression was the only way to satisfy them and get relief from constant yearning for male attention and affection. And in fact it did bring relief -- momentarily. But those of us who did indulge those desires often found that, when the fleeting embrace or erotic experience was over, we felt more lonely and desperate than before. The "hole" inside our souls that we were constantly trying to fill was deeper and emptier than ever, and we were desperate for more. It became easy for us to fall into addiction and dependency.

Even those of us who found a romantic partner who seemed like he would always be there for us often found we could never get enough of him to fill the emptiness inside ourselves. The true need buried deep inside was a little boy's need for love and acceptance from his father and from the other boys and to fully and proudly embrace his masculinity. Sex with another man only alienated us from ever really finding the real solution to our needs.

"Gay Pride" or "Gay Affirmation"
For some of us, it seemed for a time that the answer we were looking for was to accept and embrace our supposedly innate gay identity, "come out of the closet" as a homosexual and claim "gay pride." In fact, those of us who did so found it to be an exhilarating, freeing experience -- temporarily. No longer were we crippled by vacillation. No longer were we hiding in shame. No longer would we beat ourselves up with self-criticism and so-called "homophobia." At last we were "out and proud."

But no matter how right it was to free ourselves from shame, self-ridicule and self-hate, and no matter how much relief we found in finally getting off the fence and making a decision -- any decision -- homosexuality still felt wrong for us. Some of us denied this for a long time but we could ultimately lie to ourselves no longer. For us, it just felt wrong. Attempting to resolve our homosexual struggles by killing our conscience felt like it was killing our souls instead.

Almost universally, we felt alienated from God and our spiritual lives. We were out of integrity with our deeply held values and beliefs that had always anchored our lives. We felt more alienated than ever from the masculine world of straight men.

Sadly, most of us also found far less healing, acceptance and unconditional love among gay men than we had imagined we would. A common experience among us what that we experienced the gay world as a place that was fraught with promiscuity, lust, obsession with youth and physical appearance, addiction to sex, alcohol and lust. We found judgment, pettiness, spiritual darkness and brokenness. Although we experienced small pieces of healing there at times, for the most part, it only deepened the emotional and spiritual emptiness inside.

Shame, Self-Ridicule and Self-Hate
For those of us who once "came out" as a homosexual and embraced "gay pride," we found it immensely freeing to release the shame, self-ridicule and self-hate that had crippled us for so long. Indeed, letting go of these destructive emotions was a vital part of our healing for all of us. Until we did, they entrapped us, disabled us and obstructed real change. But we found it was counterproductive to embrace an openly gay identity and lifestyle in an attempt to free ourselves of shame and hate, because doing so required us to suppress our conscience and surrender our values. We found instead that it is ultimately far more healing and freeing to "come out" as a man who is courageously reclaiming his innate masculine identity, brotherly love for other men and spiritual connection to God.

Isolation and Secrecy
As long as we kept our "shameful secret" hidden and attempted to fix it in isolation and secrecy, we made little or no progress. No wonder. Problems relating to others do not heal in isolation without relationships. Fear of trusting others cannot be overcome without taking the calculated risk to trust.

Indeed, we found that what we wanted most -- authentic male bonding -- in some ways, we actually feared the most. Emotional intimacy felt much more risky than sexual intimacy. So we used lust and sex to give the illusion of intimacy without having to take the emotional risk of opening our hearts to another man, especially a straight man.

Trying to Force Opposite-Sex Attraction
Some of the worst, albeit well-meaning, advice we ever received was to resolve our homosexual feelings by dating women or looking at female pornography to arouse interest. We already loved women - as sisters. We identified with them - too much so.

Our problem was not generally with women, so that's not where the solution lay. Our problem was with heterosexual men and masculinity, and with our own maleness. We needed to spend more time with heterosexual men, not with women. Before we could concern ourselves with attraction to women, we had to feel like more of a man. We needed to ground ourselves much more firmly in a male identity and in the male world. We needed to overcome our "heterophobia" with men.

That is where we found healing.

The only way out of this loneliness has been to seek friends who are not women.  To become intimate with men.  This I am finding hard.  My whole cultural baggage stands in the way of it.  The fear of friendship struggles against the hatred of loneliness. 

I remember from Sunday School days that the disciple whom Yeshua loved, lay with his head upon Yeshua’s breast. (John 13:23)  I think that picture of male intimacy sticks in my mind so strongly because it is something we so badly lack.  Even as little boys its oddity struck us.  We asked what it meant... how did Yeshua love him? We did not know then what a 'word of G-D' it was to us about the wounding our culture was inflicting upon us.  (anonymous)

         I am now going to knock over a few sacred cows.  Many people will probably be offended at this, but at risk of offending and if I can help even one man overcome his male issues, I choose to offend.

             Homosexuality was never used as a "label" for men that showed one another affection in the past.  Now in modern society, the love that two men can show one another and that true masculine bond is now called "homosexual".   Homosexuality should have only one meaning; that being when two men consumate a physical union through penetration.  That is the biblical definition of sodomy and homosexuality!  If men kiss, hold each other, and truly love each other, this should never be called homosexuality.  We have relegated the pure, intense emotions of same sex love as evil.  See you felt a tinge of OOOOOOOOOOh when you read "same sex love".  You take it for granted that a male loving another male means sexual act.  So is not a father and son showing same sex love? Is not a mother and daughter showing each other same sex love?  Did Yeshua show same sex love to His disciples?  Well, we know that he did.  He asked Kefa (Peter)  three times if he loved Him.  What if a man asked another man if he loved him.  SCANDEL!  See, we are programmed by society to think evil immediately.  This should not be.  Men showing love and affection to each other is what G-D wants and ordained.  Look at Jonathan and David!  They showed love and affection to one another .

     To touch is to be intimate. Humans have a longing for vulnerability and deep, loving warm emotional connection with each other. It’s hard wired into us. For men and women, touch has meaning – it tells the truth.

excerpt from Sports Illistrated magazine

What the Super Bowl can teach us about men touching men
-

If you really want to know what happens at the bottom of a football pileup, look no further than "It's Raining Men," an article in last week's Sports Illustrated. Out of nine players asked to describe the scene, four made graphic references to a genital-grabbing free-for-all.

"Mike Vrabel had my testicles in his hand, and he was squeezing them," Philadelphia Eagles linebacker Ike Reese told the magazine, as if he were dictating a letter to Penthouse Forum. "Guys reach inside the face mask to gouge your eyes. But the biggest thing is the grabbing of the testicles. It's crazy."

There are many variables going into Sunday's Super Bowl game between the New England Patriots and the Eagles -- from Terrell Owens' injured ankle to the Patriots' depleted secondary to Donovan McNabb's ability to win the big game. But as long as 22 players take the field, a few things are sure: Buttocks will be enthusiastically patted, players will celebrate by jumping into each other's arms and even more men will dive on giant pileups and desperately grasp for each other's privates.

Looking at the entire year of television, is there a more homoerotic three hours than the Super Bowl? And with 100 million Americans set to watch this year's most celebrated display of hot man-on-man action, is there a better time to explore society's complex and outdated rulebook on male touching?

   So where is this leaving men????               CONFUSED!            Why are men "allowed" in certain areas to show affection and touch, but not in others?  Not when alone or in deep conversation.  Well, it has not always been that way.
     Men are now breaking out of their bonds and LOVING ONE ANOTHER AS BROTHERS.  We men are tired of taking the back seat of our lives and letting society and feminists tell us how we should and should not act.  Men as a sex, are aggressive, spontaneous, child-like and opinionated.  We like to fight, we like to play.  We like all the contact sports and things in between.   The everyday average Joe is now finding out that he enjoys touching the average Todd, and even likes laying with him on occasion just talking or watching a movie.  Men are starving for close male touch.  All I have to say is enjoy yourselves men.  You were meant to have close intimate bonds with G-D's guidance. You ARE NOT SINNING!  G-D made us as sexual beings in need of physical touch.  G-D has given us the Bible that tells us what is not of G-D and what is.    Every man knows how to work out his own salvation with G-D.    Blessings men and brothers of our Messiah.

The History and Nature of Man Friendships

by Brett & Kate McKay

Friendships are an important part of a man’s life. Friends are those men you can count on when the chips are down. They’ll back you up even when the whole world is against you. Friends are those men who will buy you a beer or  soda when you lose a job or your lady dumps you. While the man friendship looks like a simple relationship, its history is actually quite interesting and complex. The virtues of duty and loyalty have remained the same guiding principles in man friendships throughout time. However, how men express those principles in a friendship has have gone through fascinating changes in the course of human history.

What follows is a brief history of the man friendship.

The Heroic Friendship

In ancient times, men viewed man friendships as the most fulfilling relationship a person could have. Friendships were seen as more noble than marital love with a woman because women were seen as inferior. Aristotle and other philosophers extolled the virtues of platonic relationships- a relationship of emotional connection without sexual intimacy. Platonic relationships, according to Aristotle, were the ideal.

During this period of time, the idea of the heroic friendship developed. The heroic friendship was a friendship between two men that was intense on an emotional and intellectual level. Examples of heroic friendships exist in many ancient texts from the Bible (David and Jonathan) to ancient Greek writings. A man friendship that captures the essence of the heroic friendship is the relationship between Achilles and Patroclus.

Achilles and Patroclus fought together during the Trojan War and had a close relationship. A really close relationship. When Hector killed Patroclus, Achilles was beside himself for days. He smeared his body in ash and fasted in lamentation. After the funeral, Achilles, filled with a mighty rage, took to the battlefield to avenge the death of his best friend.

The image of Achilles and Patroclus was an important one in the ancient world. When Alexander the Great and his war pal, Hephaestion, passed through Troy, they stopped, with the whole army in tow, in front of the tomb of Achilles and Patroclus, thus demonstrating the veneration they had for these men and their friendship.

Male Friendships in 19th Century America

Man friendships during the 19th century were marked by an intense bond and filled with deeply held feeling and sentimentality. Man friendships in many instances had a similar intensity as romantic relationships between men and women. Essentially, it was a continuation of the heroic friendship of the ancient world, coupled with the emphasis on emotion common to the Romantic Age. A fervent bond did not necessarily imply a sexual relationship; the idea that these ardent friendships in some way compromised a man’s heterosexuality is largely a modern conception.

Men during this time freely used endearing language with each other in daily interaction and letters. For example, Daniel Webster, an American senator and one of this country’s greatest orators, often began his letters to male friends with “My lovely boy,” and ended them with “Very affectionately yours.” Even letters by manly man Theodore Roosevelt to his friends were filled with sentimental language that would make most men today rather uncomfortable.

In addition to using affectionate language with each other, men during the 19th century weren’t afraid to be physically affectionate. Many men would give no thought to draping their arms around their bud or even holding hands. And while it is quite foreign to our modern sensibilities, it was even common during this era for men to share a bed to save money. For example, The Great Emancipator, Abraham Lincoln, shared a bed with a fellow named Joshua Speed for a number of years. Some scholars have concluded that this means Lincoln was gay. That’s where we get the term “Log Cabin Republican.” However most scholars conclude that there was no nookie going on between Abe and Joshua; they simply enjoyed a close and comfortable man friendship.

Take a look at these photos of man friends from the late 19th and early 20th Century. These guys were pretty touchy with each other. In fact, it was these photos that inspired me to write the post. During my weekly searches for vintage pics of men for the blog, I kept on coming across old photographs of men being really affectionate with one another. It’s pretty jarring to our modern man sensibilities:

“You know, Alfred. There is another chair for you.”

“Shut up, Jedidiah.”

“Team picture!“

“Nothing like smoking cigars and holding hands with my bros.”

“Let’s express our man friendship in the most unnatural and awkward pose possible.”

“Come here you big lug!”

Jim looks down at Cliff with a jealous rage.

“Why does HE always get to hold Frasier and Ralph’s hands?”

Shooting big game and holding hands with my man friends.

Hemingway, eat your heart out, dude.

Some men see these photographs and wrongly conclude that these men were expressing their closeted gay tendencies for the camera. But this is not so. Actually, when you start sifting through old photos, you find that these kinds of poses were not abberations, but were actually quite commonplace. The photos open up a window into a picture of manliness quiet foreign to us now.

There are several reasons why men were so damn affectionate with each other back in the day. First, men were free to have affectionate man relationships with each other without fear of being called a “queer” because the concept of homosexuality as we know it today didn’t exist then. America didn’t have the strict straight/gay dichotomy that currently exists. Affectionate feelings weren’t strictly labeled as sexual or platonic. There wasn’t even a name for homosexual sex; instead, it was referred to as “the crime that cannot be spoken.” It wasn’t until the turn of the 19th century that psychologists started analyzing homosexuality. When that happened, men in America started to become much more self-conscious about their relationships with their buds and traded the close embraces for a stiff pat on the back. The manhug was born.

Another reason for the nineteenth century’s intense man friendships was that the social structure of society during this time helped foster such intense bonds. Men and women basically lived in separate homosocial worlds until they got married. There wasn’t much interaction between the sexes at that time. (Interestingly, this is why amusement parks like those on Coney Island enjoyed such popularity in the early 1900’s; it was one of the few places men and women could mingle freely and even “accidentally” fall into each other’s arms on rides.). This separation led many young men to fulfill their needs for physical affection and emotional companionship with other dudes.

Additionally, fraternal organizations, ranging from the Freemasons to the Odd Fellows, were at their peak in membership in American history. Nearly 1/3 of all American men were members of some fraternal organization at the end of the 19th century. At their lodges, men would bond, connect, and help each other become better men.

Male Friendships in 20th Century America

The man friendship underwent some serious transformations during the 20th century. Men went from lavishing endearing words on each other and holding hands to avoiding too much emotional bonding or any sort of physical affections whatsoever. Fear of being called gay drove much of the transformation. Ministers and politicians decried homosexuality as being incompatible with true manhood. And like most deviant behavior in the 1950s, homosexuality was associated with Communism.

Additionally, market economics began to influence male friendships. The Industrial Revolution and ideas like Social Darwinism changed the way men viewed each other. Instead of being a potential friend, the man next to you was competition. The world was an urban jungle and the man who looked out for himself was the man who was going to eat. It’s hard to develop the cutthroat instinct needed to destroy the competition when the competition happens to be your bosom buddy.

Increased mobility during the 20th century also contributed the decline in man friendships. When you have to follow your work, it’s hard to set down roots and make true friends. And with the increased leisure time that came with industrialization, men began to play more sports and take part in outdoor activities. They naturally geared their relationships with other men around these sorts of pursuits. Suburbia created other places where men could establish man friendships- the golf course, the front yard, and work. Instead of basing friendships on an emotional bond, men in the 20th century based their friendship around activities.

The one area in modern man friendships where we still see strong emotional bonds is in the military. One of the reoccurring themes I read in stories about a man’s military life are the friendships that they established while in the service. Working in largely all-male teams in life and death situations creates intense bonds and a true brotherhood. Soldiers will never leave a man behind and are willing to die to protect their comrades. Interestingly, it would seem that the overt machismo of the military allows these strong bonds to exist without the fear of homophobia getting in the way. Here’s a particularly touching image of a man friendship among soldiers:

Several man groups have tried to help men more deeply connect with their feelings and with each other. Those movements have, for the most part, not been as successful as people thought they’d be. I think perhaps it is because the whole thing seemed too forced. Sure, today’s man enjoys close camaraderie with his pals; but he doesn’t want to be given cues or told when to get teary eyed and emotional.

What’s So Great About Man Friendships

Today, when a man is free to form close and intimate associations with females, he generally does not feel the need to cuddle with his bosom buddy and express his love.

Still, it’s a shame that our society’s rampant homophobia prevents men from connecting with each other on a more emotional and physical level. I’m not talking about crying and holding each others heads in our nooks. Hell no. And I can’t say I pine for the days of friendly bed-sharing. But men, particularly American men, are often missing out on the benefits of close man friendships. Studies reveal that men who have several close friends are generally happier and live longer than men who don’t. And yet research shows the number of friends and confidantes a man has to be steadily dropping, leading to greater isolation and loneliness. Once you leave college, and especially once you get married and have kids, it becomes pretty difficult to make and keep friends. But the effort is worth it.

In talking to my wife about the differences between man friendships and female friendships, she helped me flesh out several of the admirable qualities of friendship between dudes:

True loyalty. A lot of my female friends will complain about one or more of their boyfriend’s or husband’s friends. The disliked friend will usually be a guy the husband/boyfriend has known since high school or even longer. The woman will be baffled as to why her husband or boyfriend is still friends with this character when on the surface they no longer have much in common. These women miss the nature of man friendships; it’s all about loyalty.

Non-judgmental. Dudes really aren’t very sensitive or critical of each other. Several times at the gym I have seen a really fit guy helping his fat friend get in shape. But I’ve never seen this dynamic among women. A guy can say, “Hey man, do you need help with that? Let’s work on it together,” without the man getting offended and saying something like, “What? You think I’m fat? I can’t believe you think I’m fat!”

Straightforward. When a guy is bothered by something that his friend is doing, he simply tells his friend, they discuss it, sometimes heatedly, and then move on. A man generally does not keep burning angst bottled up inside, waiting to explode. And when men no longer get along, they most often simply go their separate ways without much muss or fuss. Not so, for a lot of the female friendships I have seen (not all ladies, not all!). A lot of women, and sorry ladies, it’s true, are down right cruel to each other. They not only part ways, but engage in emotional warfare designed to crush each other’s spirit. Guys keep things pretty straightforward; we like each other, cool, we no longer get along, see ya.

It has been said that female friendships can be pictured as two women facing one another, while male friendships can be symbolized as two men standing side by size, looking outwards. So here’s to having a buddy, a brother to take on the world with. Long live man friendship.

Sources:

John Isbon, Picturing Men: A Century of Male Relationships in Everyday American Photography (University of Chicago Press, 2006)

E. Anthony Rotundo, American Manhood: Transformations in Masculinity From the Revolution to the Modern Era (Basic Books, 1994).

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