Jewish Humor  

 


            Jewish Ice cream

Ben & Jerry's Ice cream is now available in Israel in the following flavors!

                          1.  Wailing Wall nut

                          2.  Moishemellow

                          3.  Mazel Toffee

                          4.  Chazalnut

                          5.  Oy Ge-malt

                          6.  Mi Ka-mocha

                          7.  Bernard Malamint

                          8.  Berry  Pr'i Hagafen

                          9.  Choc-Eilat Chip

                         10.  Simchas T'Oreo

                         It should be noted that all of these flavors come in either a cup

                         or a K******ohen.

                                     
                             Jewish Redneck

          You Maybe A JEWISH REDNECK IF:                    
       You light Shabbos Candles  from a cigarette lighter.                Your seat belt is larger than your yarmulke.
       You fire a shotgun at the sound of Haman's name.
       You have a gun rack in your Sukkah.
 

 Confession 
 
Two five year-olds are playing in a sandbox. One is Jewish, the other is Catholic. The Catholic boy says to the Jewish boy, "Our priest knows more than your rabbi!" To which the Jewish boy replies, "Of course he does, you tell him everything."
 

 The Funny Tale of Norm, Hi & Max 

It was a sweltering August day when the Greenberg brothers entered the posh Michigan, offices of the a notorious car maker. Hyman Greenberg, the eldest of the three, announced, "We have a remarkable invention that will revolutionize the automobile industry." The car maker looked skeptical, but their threats to offer it to the competition kept his interest piqued. Hi Greenberg continued, "We would like to demonstrate it to you in person." After a little cajoling, they brought the car maker outside and asked him to enter a black car that was parked in front of the building. Norman Greenberg, the middle brother, opened the door of the car. "Please, step inside." "What!?" shouted the tycoon. "Are you crazy? It must be one hundred degrees in that car!" "It is," smiled the youngest brother, Max, "but sit down and push the white button." Intrigued, the tycoon pushed the button. All of a sudden a whoosh of freezing air started blowing from vents all around the car, and within seconds the automobile was not only comfortable, it was quite cool! "This is amazing!" exclaimed the tycoon. "How much do you want for the patent?" Norman spoke up, "The price is one million dollars." Then he paused. "And there is something else. We want the name 'Greenberg Brothers Air Conditioning' to be stamped right next to your logo." "Money is no problem," the car maker said, "but no way will I have a Jewish name next to my logo on my cars!" They haggled back and forth for awhile and finally they settled. One and one-half million dollars, and the name Greenberg would be left off. However, the first names of the Greenberg brothers would be forever emblazoned upon the console of every air conditioning system. And that is why today, whenever you enter a vehicle, you will see those three names clearly defined on the air-conditioning control panel: NORM - HI - MAX!
 

 The Joke of the Rabbi And the Plane Design

 Bernie, a young Jewish boy, decided he wanted to be an aeronautical engineer and build airplanes. Over the years he studied hard, went to the best schools, and finally got his degree. It didn't take long before he gained a reputation as the finest aeronautical engineer in all the land, so he decided to start his own company to build jets. His company was such a hit that the President of the United States called Bernie into his office. "Bernie," the President said, "Israel wants to commission your company to build an advanced jet fighter for their country. You have our approval--go out and design the best jet fighter ever made." Needless to say, Bernie was tremendously excited at this prospect. The entire resources of his company went into building the most advanced jet fighter in history. Everything looked terrific on paper, but when they held the first test flight of the new jet, disaster struck. The wings couldn't take the strain--they broke clean off of the fuselage! (The test pilot parachuted to safety, thank G-d.) Bernie was devastated; his company redesigned the jet fighter, but the same thing happened at the next test flight--the wings broke off again. Beside himself with great worry, Bernie went to his shul to pray, to ask G-d where he had gone wrong. The rabbi saw Bernie's sadness, and naturally asked him what the matter was. Bernie decided to pour his heart out to the rabbi. After hearing the problem with the jet fighter, the rabbi put his hand on Bernie's shoulder and told him, "Listen, Bernie, I know how to solve your problem. All you have to do is drill a row of holes directly above and below where the wing meets the fuselage. If you do this, I absolutely guarantee the wings won't fall off. Bernie just smiled and thanked the rabbi for his advice...but the more he thought about it, the more he realized he had nothing to lose. Maybe the rabbi had some holy insight. So Bernie did exactly what the rabbi told him to do. On the next design of the jet fighter, they drilled a row of holes directly above and below where the wings met the fuselage. And it worked! The next test flight went perfectly! Brimming with joy, Bernie went to shul to tell the rabbi that his advice had worked. "Naturally," said the rabbi, "I never doubted it would." "But Rabbi, how did you know that drilling the holes would prevent the wings from falling off?" "Bernie," the rabbi intoned, "I'm an old man. I've lived for many, many years and I've celebrated Passover many, many times. And in all those years, not once--NOT ONCE--has the matzoh broken on the perforation!"
 
The Mirror Joke
 
      According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were applying their lipstick then they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. This was obviously causing problems for the custodial staff so the principal called a meeting with several girls from each class to discuss the problem. The meeting was held in one of the ladies bathrooms. The principal explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodial staff who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked a custodian to clean one of the mirrors as the girls watched. He took out a long-handled squeegee went to the nearest toilet dipped it then placed it on the mirror and began to clean it....
 
 The Funny Tale Of The Hearing Test
 
 An older gentleman was concerned about his wife's hearing. He decided to test it without telling her. He went to the corner of the room about 15 feet away from her and said, "Honey can you hear me?" No response.. So he went about 5 feet away from his wife and again said, "Honey can you hear me?" Still no response... So he leaned over the back of her chair and raised his voice asking, "Honey can you hear me?" His wife put the paper down and turned towards him saying, "Yakkov, I said 'Yes' three times!"
 

 Kids Make The Darndest Jokes About The Bible (Authentic)
 
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, G-d got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
David fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
 

 Children Say The Darndest Jokes!

Jewish child: "Our Rebbe wears this fur hat." Catholic child: "So? Our priest wears a collar." Jewish child: "What's so special about a collar?" Catholic Child: "You know, Kills ticks and fleas up to six months

 
 Bible Q & A Jokes
                                                                                                              Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah: he was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter: she went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. The Creator drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson: he brought the house down.
Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of the garden.
Q. Which servant of G-d was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses, because he broke all 10 commandments at once.
Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around the Jordan: the banks were always overflowing.
Q. How do we know that Job went to a chiropractor?
A. Because in Job 16:12, 14, 16 we read, "I had come to be at ease, but he proceeded to shake me up: and he grabbed me by the back of the neck and proceeded to smash me."
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.
Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.
Q. Why didn't Noah go fishing?
A. He only had two worms!
Q. How do we know that they played cards in the ark?
A. Because Noah sat on the deck.
  
 
  Joke Of Mayor & Wife
 
An Israeli mayor in a small town is walking past a construction site with his wife. One of the construction workers stops and calls out to the woman. "What's new, Sara?" "Why, it's nice to see you again Avi," the woman replies. She turns to introduce her husband to the construction worker, and they speak for several minutes. After the mayor and his wife continue on, he turns to his wife to ask how she knows him. "Oh," she said. "We went together in high school. I even thought about marrying him." The husband began to laugh. "You don't realize how lucky you are. If I hadn't come along, today you would be the wife of a construction worker!" The wife replied without hesitation, "Not really. If I had married him, he'd now be a mayor!"
  
 Airliner Laugh

 The captain of a Syrian airliner announces, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We have an emergency! We have lost an engine and want to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel." No answer. A short while later things get worse, "This is Syrian Airliner 174 again. We have lost TWO engines and ask permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel." Again, no answer from anyone. A little later the pilot in desperation says, "This is Syrian Airliner 174. We are in need of help. We have lost three engines and need permission to land at any airport in the Mideast OTHER than Israel. Still no answer from anyone. Finally, the Captain calls, "Help! This is Syrian Airliner 174, we have only one engine left and it is rapidly failing. Unless we can land we are going to crash. We need permission to land at ANY airport in the Mideast, INCLUDING Israel. Shortly thereafter, a voice is heard in the Syrian airplane cockpit: "This is Tel Aviv airport calling Syrian Airliner 174. We would like to help." "G-d bless you," said the Syrian pilot. "What should we do?" Responded Tel Aviv airport, "Repeat after me: Yitgadal, v'yitgadash..."
 
         A Jewish man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?" She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak." The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?" She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days." The son then asked, "Why you haven't eaten in 38 days!?" She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."
 
      Mama’s Law
 
      Of the beasts of the field, and of the fishes of the sea, and of all foods that are acceptable in my sight you may eat, but not in the living room. Of the cereal grains, of the corn and of the wheat and of the oats, and of all the cereals that are of bright color and unknown provenance you may eat, but not in the living room. Of quiescently frozen dessert and of all frozen after-meal treats you may eat, but absolutely not in the living room. Of the juices and other beverages, yes, even of those in sippy-cups, you may drink, but not in the living room, neither may you carry such therein. Indeed, when you reach the place where the living room carpet begins, of any food or beverage there you may not eat, neither may you drink. But if you are sick, and are lying down and watching something, then may you eat in the living room.
       
      One Yom Kippur, in a little schul in Gunnysack, New York, the rabbi stops in the middle of the musaf service, prostrates himself beside the bima, and cries out, “O G-D. Before You, I am nothing!” The chazen is so moved by this demonstration of piety that he immediately follows suit, throwing himself to the floor beside the rabbi and crying, 'O G-D! Before you, I am nothing!” In the ensuing silence, a shuffling is heard in the back row. Saul Blumenthal jumps from his seat, prostrates himself in the isle and cries, “O G-D! Before You, I am nothing!” Seeing this, the chazen nudges the rabbi and whispers, “So look who thinks he’s nothing?”
     
       If you are an aspiring Jew or marrying into a Jewish family, there are certain things you must know to survive.  
      Take this quiz to see if you've learned enough to function in your new Jewish family:
      1. There are no Jews living in a. sin b. El Paso c. trailer parks
      2. The cleaning lady in a Jewish household is expected to: a. do windows b. make latkes c. attend all bar mitzvahs and weddings
      3. To make a good pet for a Jewish child, an animal must be: a. gentle b. housebroken c. stuffed
      4. Jews spend their vacations: a. sightseeing b. sunbathing c. discussing where they spent their last vacation and where they'll spend the next
      5. If there's a hairdresser in your immediate family, you are: a. up on the newest styles b. entitled to free haircuts c. not Jewish
      6. Wilderness means a. no running water b. no electricity c. no hot and sour soup
      7. The most popular outdoor sport among Jews is: a. jogging b. tennis c. howling over the neighbors' lawn ornaments
      8. Jews never drive a. unsafely b. on Saturdays c. eighteen wheelers
      9. A truly unsuitable gift for a Jewish person is a. Easter lilies b. a crucifix c. a Zippo lighter
     10. A Jewish skydiver is a. careful b. insured c. an apparition
     11. No Jewish person in history has ever been known to a. become a prostitute b. deface a synagogue c. remove the back of a radio.
     12. Jews never sing a. off-key b. "Nel Blu di Pinto di Blu" c. around a piano bar
     13. Jews are ambivalent about a. vegetarianism b. Jesse Jackson c. absolutely nothing
                                                  Scoring:
Take 1 point for each "a" answer,
2 for each "b",
3 for each"c".

39-41: Mazel Tov! You know a lot about Jews. Either you've studied your loved one's family carefully, out of desire for true closeness plus your respect for their traditions, or you're from either Florida or New York. They'll adore you.

 29-38: You're not quite there yet, but don't panic. Just remember to do everything louder, longer and with a lot more butter than you're used to.

 17-28: Sorry. Better study harder.
 
             

     An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son. "Yes Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me .. your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."
 
 
       A woman is riding a bus in the Midwest, when a man gets on the bus and sits down next to her. He's wearing a black hat, long black coat, black slacks and shoes, and he has a long curly dark beard. The woman looks at him disgustedly. "Jews like you," she hisses at him. He looks up at her, puzzled, and says, "I beg your pardon, madam?" She says, "Look at you. All in black, a beard, never take off your hat! It's Jews like you that give the rest of us a bad name." He says calmly, "I beg your pardon, madam, but I am not Jewish. I'm Amish." The woman looks back and smiles, "How nice. You've kept your customs

 
         An old Jewish man and a young Jewish man are traveling on the train. The young man asks: "Excuse me, what time is it?" The old man does not answer. "Excuse me, sir, what time is it?" The old man keeps silent. "Sir, I'm asking you what time is it. Why don't you answer?!" The old man says: "Son, the next stop is the last on this route. I don't know you, so you must be a stranger. If I answer you now, I'll have to invite you to my home. You're handsome, and I have a beautiful daughter. You will both fall in love and you will want to get married. Tell me, why would I need a son-in-law who can't even afford a watch?"
 

          Rosh Hashanah was over and there was time until Yom Kippur, and Abie needed his tallis cleaned. He called his friend Max to ask what dry cleaner to take it to. Max said, "I always take my tallis to Moishe the dry cleaner on W 4th. He only charges $4.00" So Abie goes over to Moishe's and finds that the ownership has changed. He asks the new owner, Mr. Jones, if he meets the old prices. Mr. Jones assures him that he does. Three days later, Abie goes to get his tallis and is given a bill for $24.00. He storms at Mr. Jones. "I thought you met Moishe's prices?" "I did, " said Mr. Jones, "$4.00 for the tallis, and $20.00 to get all the knots out of the fringes!"
 
          Harry Goldberg has been elected the next president of the United States--the first Jewish boy to reach the Whitehouse. He is very proud and phones his mother in New York to invite her to the inauguration. Harry: Momma, guess what! I've just been elected president, won't you come to my inauguration? Mother: Harry! You know I hate trains. I can't face the journey all the way to Washington. Maybe next time. Harry: Momma! You will take no train. Air Force One will collect you. The journey will be over in 30 minutes. Come to my inauguration, please... Mother: Harry, I hate hotels. The non-kosher food! Nahh, maybe next time. Harry: Momma!! You will stay in the White House, a kosher chef to yourself. PLEASE come. Mother: Harry! I have nothing to wear! Harry: I have someone on his way to take you to Macy's and Bloomingdale's to make you look perfect. You must come!!! Mother: Okay, okay, I suppose I will come. Inauguration day comes. Mother is on the front row, next to the Secretary of State. Harry is called up to become the next president. Mother digs the Secretary of State in the ribs and says, "Hey, you see that boy Harry? His brother’s a doctor!"

 
 What is a genius? An average student with a Jewish Mother. =====================================================
 
                                           Children’s Shema
      A Jewish boy in grade school was listening to his Hebrew teacher quoting the Shema. "The L-RD our G-D is One," the teacher declared. "When will He be two?" the youngster asked.
 

             A Funny Tale About Adam's Ribs A young student prided himself on his ability to confuse the wisest of scholars. Once, when he was surrounded by his friends, he sought to prove his self-asserted cleverness; he asked the town sage, "What was the first thing Eve did when Adam came home late one night?" The sage responded, "She counted his ribs."

 
 
                                       
                            A Whale Of A Laugh
      Rachel did a lot of traveling for her business, so she flew often. Flying made her very, very nervous, so she always took her Siddur along so she could read the traveler's prayer. It helped her relax... One time, she was sitting next to a skeptical man. When he saw her pull out her Siddur, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there?" Rachel replied, "Of course!" He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?" "Oh, Yonah." responded Rachel. "Yes, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?" Rachel, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to Heaven, I will ask him." "What if he isn't there?" the man asked sarcastically. "Then you can ask him," replied Rachel.

The Seminary - Final Exam 

At a well known Reform Jewish Seminary in Georgia, there were four sophomores taking Hebrew and all of them had an "A" ....  so far. These four friends were so confident that on the  weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends in Florida where they had a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to the Seminary until early Monday morning.  Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends, but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied all night and early morning for the exam.  The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy... then they turned the page.  On the second page was written - For 95 points: Which tire? 

 An oAn

What did the waiter ask a group of Jewish mothers?

"Is ANYTHING all right?"

- - - - - - -

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

(Sigh) Don't bother, I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.

- - - - - - -

Sam Levy was driving down the road, and gets pulled over by a policeman.

Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman says, "Your wife fell out of the car five miles back."

Sam replies, "Oh thank goodness...I thought I went deaf!"

- - - - - - - - -

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to the Jewish mother on the street and said,"Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

She replied, "Force yourself."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he's been given a part in the school play. "Wonderful. What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the Jewish husband."

The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

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